Up With Peccaries!

I have finally gotten my peccary! His/her name (I don't know how to determine its sex) is Ben St. Alphonzo Kingsley. It's a hybrid of Ben Kingsley, that damn good actor, and St. Alphonzo as in St. Alphonzo's pancake breakfast. In case you are one of those dummies who doesn't know what a peccary is, I'll fill you in. They are nocturnal gregarious (what a combo) American mammals resembling the related pigs. They are ill-tempered and enjoy mud (just like a redneck). Below are some pictures of Ben.

Biography

The following is reprinted with permission from the all around jive author of Hey Dummies (me).
I was taking my annual trip to Paraguay for the bottle-dancers convention. The bottle-dance got its name because performers swing around with a jar on their head during it. Anyway, I was driving around when I heard a loud thud. I backed up and heard a splat. I opened my door and to my surprise, I noticed that I had run over a peccary. I thought the little guy was "hip" looking but the bloody pool he was sitting in made him icky. So I threw my shoe at another one, knocked him out, and took him away. I took the little guy and stuffed him in my jar. I got back to the good ol' U.S. of A. let him out. He was mad as the dickens from being in the jar so long. I called up my good friend Edgar Growtski, a retired zoologist, and asked him how to make little Ben happy as a clam at high tide. He told me mud. I let the hose run all night long and by the next day, I had some mighty fine mud. From then on, Ben and me were the best of friends, like Smith and Wesson or Jake and the fat man. Now you know the rest of the story.

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